I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize