Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What a dumb baby whore.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
