My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
