And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
