A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
