i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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