My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
