so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
