True but thats because hes a fetus.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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