Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
