Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
