there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
