he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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