but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
