There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
