I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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