there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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