I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
