so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
