Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
