I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
