I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
