Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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