I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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