i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
