finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
