Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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