I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
