oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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