I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
