If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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