??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
