My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
