would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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