Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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