Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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