It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
