Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
