Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
whose parrot is this?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
