You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
