Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
