Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
