The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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