I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
