I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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