Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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