So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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