the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
