Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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