every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
