I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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